As a couples therapist, I’ve seen how couples can struggle with balancing their family dynamics while trying to create their own family unit. Setting boundaries with in-laws and extended family is not always easy, but it’s a crucial step in building a strong, sustainable partnership. In this blog, I’ll offer practical advice and strategies for newly married couples to establish and maintain healthy boundaries with their families.
1. Understand the Importance of Boundaries in Marriage
Boundaries are essential for maintaining healthy relationships, both within your marriage and with your families. Healthy boundaries define where one person’s responsibilities, emotions, and needs end, and another’s begin. In the context of marriage, boundaries are about maintaining your emotional and physical space, respecting each other’s privacy, and prioritizing your relationship over external influences.
When my husband and I were a new couple, I was so excited to include him in our annual Thanksgiving dinner parties. Let me set the scene for you, my family is a large Haitian family, the house was full of delicious smelling foods, kompa music was playing in the background, simultaneously with a movie for the kids. Aunties with large smiles greeting cousins, in disbelief how how much each teenager had grown, both the living room and dining room was buzzing with Haitian creole, laughs, and stories of the past. I loved this atmosphere and had grown accustom to this extroverted fun zone, however my husband who is naturally an introvert, was intimidated by all the new faces, multiple conversations and the amount of houses we would visit later that same evening. Although he was grateful to be introduced to my family, this can be a daunting request for an introverted personality. I quickly learned we needed to establish a healthy boundary in our marriage and a healthy expectation of all the events I assumed he was required to attend with me.
Clear boundaries create a sense of safety, respect, and trust. When you and your husband or wife are aligned on your boundaries with families, it strengthens your partnership and reduces stress. Boundaries aren’t about shutting people out—they’re about ensuring that you and your spouse have the space to nurture your own relationship.
2. Have a Conversation as a Couple: Identify and Align Your Values
Before you set boundaries with your families, it’s crucial to have an open and honest conversation with your spouse. Discuss what boundaries you both feel are important and why. This conversation should cover a variety of topics, including time spent with families, privacy, finances, decision-making, and emotional support.
Discussion Questions to Ask Each Other:
- What role do we want our families to play in our marriage?
- Which family events we feel comfortable attending?
- How can we honor one another’s boundaries when we are with family?
- What are our individual expectations of our families?
- Are there any past issues with our families that we need to address?
This conversation is key to aligning your values and ensuring that both partners feel supported. It’s essential that both of you are on the same page before talking to family members about boundaries.
Communication between spouses is the foundation of boundary-setting. When you understand each other’s perspectives, it’s easier to present a united front to your families.
3. Decide What Boundaries Are Necessary
Boundaries vary from couple to couple, depending on their values, needs, and family dynamics. As newlyweds, you may need to establish boundaries around several areas, including:
- Time Together vs. Time with Family: Setting limits on how often you visit family or have family over can help preserve quality time between you and your spouse. For example, agreeing to only visit family once a week or setting specific days for family gatherings can help you avoid over-committing.
- Privacy and Independence: Your relationship is private, and you may need to set limits on how much information you share with your families. This can include setting boundaries around your financial situation, personal issues, or intimate details about your marriage.
- Decision-Making: Clearly define your decision-making process as a couple. For example, when it comes to major life decisions (such as career changes, buying a home, or having children), make sure that you and your spouse are the primary decision-makers, rather than relying on family advice or approval.
- Emotional Boundaries: Establishing limits on emotional support from families can help protect your marriage. While it’s great to seek advice or comfort from loved ones, it’s important that you both rely on each other first for emotional support.
Boundaries need to be specific and tailored to your unique relationship. Don’t be afraid to set limits that prioritize your marriage and ensure that both partners feel comfortable and respected.
4. Communicate Boundaries Clearly and Respectfully
Once you and your spouse have agreed on the boundaries that are important for your marriage, it’s time to communicate those boundaries to your families. Be direct, yet respectful, when discussing your needs. You don’t need to justify your boundaries—simply explain that these boundaries are in place to support your relationship and help you grow as a couple.
How to Communicate Boundaries:
- Be Calm and Confident: Approach the conversation with a calm demeanor. Express your boundaries clearly, without being defensive or apologetic.
- Use “I” Statements: Frame your needs using “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, “I feel overwhelmed when we visit too often, so we’re going to take a step back for a few weeks to focus on our time together” is a gentle way to set limits without blaming anyone.
- Be Prepared for Pushback: Your family may not immediately understand or respect the boundaries you set. Be patient but firm. It may take time for them to adjust, but if you and your spouse stay consistent, they will learn to respect your wishes.
Therapist Rich Reminder: Setting boundaries is not about being rigid or punitive—it’s about protecting your relationship and ensuring your marriage thrives. Approach these conversations with empathy and respect, but remain firm in your commitment to the boundaries you’ve agreed upon as a couple.
5. Stay United as a Couple
It’s important that both husband and wife are consistently supportive of the boundaries set, especially when interacting with families. If one spouse weakens or ignores the boundaries, it can create tension and undermine the effort to protect the marriage. This is why staying united is crucial.
How to Stay United:
- Support Each Other: If one partner feels pressured by family members to ignore a boundary, it’s essential that the other partner provides support. You are a team, and being on the same page helps both of you feel secure.
- Check in Regularly: Regularly revisit your boundary-setting discussions as a couple to ensure you’re both still feeling good about the limits you’ve set. This is an ongoing process and should be adjusted as necessary to support your marriage.
Therapist Rich Reminder: A united front is a powerful tool when it comes to boundary-setting. If both partners reinforce the same message, it creates a sense of consistency and security within the relationship.
6. Know When to Seek Outside Help
If you find that setting boundaries with your families is causing significant strain in your marriage or is met with resistance from family members, it may be helpful to seek support from a couples therapist. Sometimes, deep-seated family dynamics or personal insecurities can make boundary-setting more challenging. A licensed therapist can help you navigate these conversations, provide strategies for coping with resistance, and ensure that you’re both feeling heard and supported.
Therapist’s Rich Reminder: Seeking therapy is not a sign of failure but rather a proactive step in strengthening your marriage. A neutral third party can help you develop effective communication skills and assist in resolving any conflicts that arise.
Conclusion: Protecting Your Marriage with Healthy Boundaries
Setting healthy boundaries with your families as a newly married couple is a vital step toward ensuring the longevity and strength of your relationship. By discussing your needs openly, agreeing on shared boundaries, and communicating those boundaries clearly, you can protect the emotional well-being of your marriage while maintaining positive relationships with your families.
Remember, boundaries are about self-respect and respect for your partner. They are not meant to isolate you from your loved ones, but to create a space where your marriage can flourish. As you and your spouse learn to navigate these challenges, you will grow stronger as a couple, more confident in your ability to protect what matters most.
Next Steps: If you and your spouse are finding it difficult to set or maintain boundaries with your families, consider reaching out to a licensed marriage and family therapist. Couples therapy can help you improve communication, navigate family dynamics, and create the space you need to thrive as a married couple. Book your free consultation today with The Rich Couch Therapy today.