Reassessing Expectations in Marriage
What are your expectations of your spouse this week?
During the 2020 pandemic, my husband and I took the time to revisit our expectations of one another. We realized that having clear expectations is essential for a healthy marriage, and we decided to reevaluate them together. This process can be touchy, but it’s crucial for preventing misunderstandings and conflicts both before and after marriage.
Understanding Different Backgrounds
We come from different households, each with its own examples of gender roles, norms, and responsibilities associated with being a “wife” or “husband.” Warning: Entering your marriage with the assumption that your partner will just “know” what you expect can lead to many fights and petty disagreements.
Open Communication is Key
Sitting down and honestly sharing your expectations is vital. This proactive approach can save you from disappointment, arguments, and silent battles.
Accountability Matters
While you can have a verbal conversation, we found it helpful to keep a written record. My husband saves notes on his iPhone, making it easy to share and revisit our discussions. We also reviewed the SYMBIS (Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts) assessment by Dr. Les and Dr. Leslie Parrott, which helped us clarify our expectations from four years ago. It was enlightening to see how our expectations have evolved!
Breaking Down Responsibilities
We discussed specific chores and errands for the weekends—like cleaning and grocery shopping—necessary for meal prep during the week. Frustration often arose from unmet or unspoken expectations. For instance, when my husband asked, “What’s for dinner?” while I was busy with a school assignment, I felt annoyed. It was a recurring issue that felt like hitting a brick wall every week.
Avoid the Cycle
Don’t fall into the same frustrating cycle! No matter how uncomfortable it may be, I encourage you to block out an hour this week for an expectations conversation. Do it now! Schedule it on your phones. Having this discussion can prevent at least one fight in the coming weeks!
By addressing your expectations openly, you can foster a stronger, more understanding partnership that will withstand challenges and promote a healthier relationship.
– Deborah Richelieu, LMFT